Earned It
by Mango Marionette
Summary: A drunken night of Whiskey and weird moments with Grumpy, Regina wakes up with a killer headache and some serious heart pain. I don't own Once or any of the characters used, I'm just mixing their socks in the washing machine
1. Hooked On A Feeling

She opened her eyes and immediately closed them. "God, why is it so bloody bright" she grumbled putting her hands over her eyes. That's when her mind was flooded with the memory of her drinking whiskey. She groaned. "Worst idea. Ever". She struggled to free herself from the quilts and sheets, noticing the lack of clothing that she wore.

"At least I drank that pirate under the table" she grumbled, trying to her hair up and essentially failing. She sighed and gave up, huffing in annoyance.

"You wish, love. You were, at best, equal." She jumped up and fell... Straight on top of the pirate, who was lying on the floor, wearing nothing but weirdly coloured boxers "Jesus Hook! Why are you on the floor?" She pushed herself off of him and groaned, lying beside him. "Would you rather me be in the bed with you?" He said, wiggling his eyebrows.

"You have a girlfriend" she told him, rising from the floor. "And you have a boyfriend. Speaking of, where is the archer?" She stared at him in the mirror and squared her jaw. "With his wife" she growled at him.

"Ah yes. Maid Marion." He mused. "That's your fault too, pirate" she said, walking into her closet to get an outfit ready.

"I told Emma that we should have left the wench. I think. I'm not really sure." She sighed, he was no help.

"Ugh, my head is pounding. All I remember is drinking cider. Then you walked in with your leather and your guyliner and you suggested shots and whiskey. What happened afterwards? How'd I get here? How'd you get here?"

"Well for your information, we drank about 3 bottles of whiskey, we did 11 shots each and you danced to 'I Wanna Know What Love Is' with Grumpy. I'm pretty sure you guys made out behind the counter of the bar." She paled. "Grumpy? I thought I had standards" she groaned

"Then what happened?" She said, brushing her teeth.

"Well, then you and Grumpy got all PG-13 on each other and the bartender kicked us out. Not before I grabbed 4 bottles of whiskey though. Then, we moved to the roof of Moe's flower shop. Then, Grumpy got sad because he started to think of his Enchanted Forrest axe. Then you insulted his nose, he insulted your hair and your eyebrows. Then you turned him into a bottle of whiskey and tried to drink him but it was empty so you used it as a microphone to sing 'A pirates life for me'. And that, my dear Queen, is when you decided to strip. You're lucky Locksley found us then because I'm pretty sure you almost got to third base with Dr. whale."

She paled at the thought of Dr. Whale seeing her out of her clothes and perked up at the mention of Robin. "Locksley, as in Robin?"

"Yeah. That's why I'm surprised that he's not here."

"Wait wait wait. Grumpy AND Whale? God, I forgot about the fact that my standards magically drop when I'm drunk. I'm just glad I never went there with you Hook"

"Oh you tried"

"...What"

"Yeah. Robin had to practically hold you back. He wasn't too happy. I'd say it's part of the reason that I'm on your floor, eh?"

"Ew"

"So then, Robin brought us here in his car. I swear, you acted like such a five year old. You didn't speak to him at all during the entire car ride"

"Well I'm sure his wife wouldn't like it if I had" she said bitterly. She didn't even have a chance to put on her outfit before there was a loud knocking on her door. She groaned and walked to the window, peeking out the curtains.

"Ew..."

"What? Who is it?"

"The Charmings"

"Oh. I mean I get it, they're my girlfriend's parents but... Ew."

She heard the knocking again and she sighed, stomping downstairs, deciding that if they wanted to see her this early in the morning, then they were really going to SEE her. She threw the door open and winced. Damn that's fucking bright. "What" she growled.

David's eyes widened and Snow paled at the lack of clothes Regina decided to wear to answer the door before plastering on a fake smile" Regina! Hey! So baby Neal's Christening is on on Saturday and we would like it if you'd come!"

Snows voice was so positively shrill, it made Regina's face scrunch up.

"Didn't you uh... Didn't you have, like, a 'thing' the other night?"

David leaned against the doorframe but then stood straight after he saw the glare Regina was sending him. Then he awkwardly rubbed the beaks of his neck."That was when we announced his name. It's the baby shower Regina! You have to go. Your his grandmother in law and-"

"I"m going to stop you right there, Mr. Snowflake. I'm like, 4 years older than your wife and I'm probably the same age as you so I will not be known as grandma to your child. Plus, I'm extra hungover right now and it's really fucking bright so you'd be better coming back, like tomorrow or more preferably Sunday"

"Regina, his christening is on Saturday. Sunday would be too late."

Regina groaned "My point exactly. Just come back later. Please"

Snow forced a smile and agreed to come back tomorrow. Then, she left, but not before she noticed the scantily clad pirate in Regina's room. She pursed her lips but decided not to say anything to David about it. She'd talk about it with Emma.

"Fucking Charmings and their fucking politeness and David's fucking staring" she muttered as she walked to her kitchen. She got out her eggs and a frying pan, making her hunger more of a priority than her clothes. She walked to her phone and switched on her favourite song of the month. 'Earned it by The Weeknd' and plugged her earphones in and put them into her ears. Just as the opening of the song rang out, she cracked the eggs in time. As the eggs fried, she belted out the words, forgetting about the pirate currently lounging in her room. She went over to her sink to wash her plate and spotted Archie walking his dog. His eyes wandered over to her and widened as the realisation finally hit that she wasn't as clothed as usual. His step faltered and he quickly walked in, rushing Pongo along, suddenly seeing something that made him want to quicken his step. She grumbled about privacy, knowing that it was completely her fault and continued singing. A flick of her hand and the blind had pulled down, covering her window.

She finished the eggs and made some bacon quickly before dishing it up onto two plates, the pirates existence popping back into her head. She slowly descended the stairs and walked into her room, finding the pirate searching around her room. His head turned so fast at the scent of food that she thought he'd given himself whiplash. "Yes" he simply muttered, accepting the plate with a grin. They sat on the bed and ate in silence.

"You are one worthy opponent of drinking though lass. I'll give you that" he muttered between bites.

"Thanks hook, you're not so bad yourself. I'm glad we're friends. I'm really not in the mood to get dressed right now. Plus, we all know you're too hot for Swan to do anything"

He nodded in agreement "and you're too stuck with Locksley to even look at another"

"True that" she said miserably, magicking up two glasses and orange juice. He graciously accepted and she poured him a glass.

"That is so fucking complicated. I don't even know what I'm going to do about that" she said, staring at the floor.

"Well, there isn't really a lot you can do. He is a man of honour, or at least he says he is and I doubt he's going to go back on his word, never mind a wedding vow." She sighed loudly and stared for a minute.

"I don't actually know where your clothes are, hook. Why aren't you wearing clothes anyway?"

"Ah. Well, you spilled quite the amount of whiskey on me last night and then you decided to show me what you'd eaten earlier that day" a giggle escaped her mouth and her hand flew to cover it.

"Oh my god Hook, I am so sorry" she laughed again and he couldn't help crack a smile.

"I'll just magic up some new ones and when I find your old ones, I'll drop them off on the Jolly Roger."

"Sounds good, lass" and with that, they finished their food and Hook stood so Regina could properly get a look at what size the clothes would have to be.

"Okay I think I've got it" she said, and with a wave of her hand, Hook was dresses head to toe in a baby pink suit with a fur scarf, a cane and a fedora. She started to cackle as he walked over to the mirror.

"Regina! What is this?"

He heard her wheezing "I think I'm going to pass out, _holy crap_"

She stared another moment before waving her hand again. This time, he was dressed in a dark pair of navy jeans, a black band top and the pink suit was nowhere to be seen.

"This'll do" he said, taking the dishes from her and bringing them downstairs.

She sighed and walked over to her closet and quickly put on her black skinny jeans and her baggy 'ACDC' shirt. She felt like today was a casual day. She put on her worn red converse, Henry's suggestion, did minimalistic make up and walked downstairs to find hook during her plates.

"My god, the pirate cleans!" She joked, putting the dishes away. He rolled his eyes at her and finished with he dishes

"Yeah yeah yeah. I've heard it all from Emma. Speaking of, she's just called me off of her mobile device-" "phone" she corrected. "Right well, she just called me off of her phone and was wondering where I was. I told her I was with a friend, she made a jest about me having very little friends which is very untrue and then suggested we go on another date. So alas, I must leave your company, your majesty" she waved him off. "Ah sure, go on your date. Don't let me keep you late. I'll just- hold on. The lack of leather is suspicious." She walked over to the coat closet and a small 'Aha' escaped her mouth and she produced his leather jacket. He accepted the coat and walked to her front door.

"Till next time, Regina!" He called, leaving her house.

"Yeah yeah, until next time" she said quietly, walking over to her tv to watch the latest episode of Supernatural. Her poor, brave Sam.

**_So this is a weird little story I plan on doing whenever I can. Might be a oneshot, might be a couple chapters, might be more than a couple, who knows?_**

**_Well, keep tuned. We'll see, won't we?_**


	2. Ice Ice Baby

"On my god. Oh fuck. That's really fucking bright wow holy shit"

"Regina, it's just a window"

"Well turn that fucking thing off before I fucking make it disappear"

"Regina, I can't turn the sun off"

"Uh, did we or did we not cause an eclipse in Neverland?"

"Regina, I'm not causing an eclipse because of your hangover. It's not my fault you were out until god knows what time. That's twice this month that you've done it"

"Okay first of all, rude. Second, that's less than once a week"

"Regina, it's the 15th"

"Still less than once"

"Anyways, I asked you here because-"

"Is this because of Elsa?"

"Who? Never mind, this is because of all the mysterious ice cases going around. Grumpy said that a woman froze his truck. I believe it's her causing it all." Regina rolled her eyes.

"Miss Swan. Her name is Elsa, she's from Arendelle, she's extremely misunderstood and she likes warm hugs. Also, she is a great drinking partner as your alcohol never gets warm. Like ever. It's great"

"Elsa? What are you on about?"

"She's the one that's been 'terrorising' Storybrooke. Her dad was super unprepared when he found out about her powers, bless him, and accidentally became a dick. Her mother was no better though. Poor little child"

"How do you know all this?"

"Who do you think I was drinking with yesterday? She's hilarious. She's literally the funniest person that I've ever known. She broke the ice between us with a cool joke. It was kind of cold between us at first I mean, two queens one town but we later became buds. Best buds in fact" Emma paled as Regina proudly held up her wrist to show an indigo friendship bracelet. Then she burst out laughing. She grabbed at her stomach. "Oh god. That was. That was great"

"Regina. Did you just make a motherfucking pun?"

Regina gasped between cackles "Multiple puns actually"

"You are ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. I'm done!" Emma claimed, throwing her hands up in the air. "So she's not a threat?"

"Nah, she's just looking for her sister. We're going for ice cream later. Soz, your not invited"

"...Did you just say soz?"

"Chill Emma. Chill.

"I swear to god Regina"

"I'm done I swear! Speaking of being 100% done, is this little meeting done? I have to go do things"

"What things?"

"Stuff"

"What stuff?

"If I were crazy, I'd mistake you for a Lori" Regina stated, narrowing her eyes. She then vanished in a purple tornado of smoke.

"That woman" Emma sighed "is off her fucking rocker"

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Regina stared at herself in the shop window of Granny's. She pursed her lips and stared intently.

"Too hot" she whispered.

"Hot damn" came a reply shortly after and the blonde appeared beside her.

"Friendship quiz! What is the name of my sisters fiancées reindeer!?" She shouted.

Regina stared at the ground for a moment before shouting he name 'Sven' in pride. Elsa clapped and hugged the brunette. She stared at the building before looking back to Regina.

"Is this where we are getting the ice cream?"

Regina chuckled "Here? Heavens no. I think there's an ice cream parlour around here somewhere." With that, they walked, arms linked and animatedly talking about crown size.

"I do agree that sometimes small is best but sometimes the bigger the crown, the bigger the size of your- Oh here it is." Regina pointed to the ice cream parlour 'Any Given Sundae' and they walked in. The little bell atop the door dinged and they walked in. A blonde woman greeted them.

"Hello. Welcome! What can I do for you today?"

Regina stared at the woman for a minute trying to place a name before realising that the Elsa was waiting for her to go first. "Oh. I'll have mint please" the woman nodded and turned to Elsa. "Chocolate. Definitely chocolate." The woman smiled at the two ladies and turned to get the ice cream. Regina took the opportunity and with a wave of her hand, the woman was frozen in place.

"Regina what the hell!? She just turned to get the scooper"

"Elsa, I've never seen her before."

"And? That doesn't justify freezing the poor woman. You've probably just forgotten her face-"

"I never forget a face, dear. Hold on." She grabbed her phone and dialled Emma's phone.

"Hello?"

"Emma, it's Regina. White chocolate and I were getting ice cream from that weird new parlour and this shit practically smells shady. Get yourself and your hunk of leather boyfriend here pronto. Leave your cheerleaders at home. They just had a baby. It would be completely reckless and weird to have your parents doing all this hero crap like they used to and completely disregard their newborn baby" Regina rambled.

"Oh...Kay? Where's the parlour?" Emma mumbled. Regina directed her and by no time, Emma and Hook were present in record time.

"Regina what's up- oh my god what did you do to that woman? Christ Regina I thought I told you to stop after what you did to Jasmine!"

"Okay so I know it looks exactly like last time but I swear this is for real. This bitch is not from the Enchanted Forest."

"What are you talking about Regina?" Regina looked the blonde up and down and smirked. The blonde looked at her with a curious gaze and she pointed to the button that Emma had forgotten to button in her haste. The blonde turned red at a staggering rate. She quickly zipped her jacket up and coughed.

"Oh by the way, White Chocolate, meet Emma Swan. Emma, meet Elsa. Or white chocolate, as I've been calling her."

Wait so if you're White Chocolate, then what are you?" She said, pointing to Regina.

"Oh she's Nutty Nougat" Elsa perked up, pointed to Regina.

"Nutty...what? Why?"

Before Regina could explain, Elsa took quite a unique take on the name explaining. "Well, it's because she's got the biggest nuts here." Emma stifled a laugh as Hook awkwardly looked on.

"So what has she got to do with this?" Emma pointed at the blonde woman that was still frozen in place.

"I've never seen that woman before today. I never forget a face which means that that woman came in when our curse defence walls were down. She's an outsider, of sorts."

"

How the hell did she get in? When did she get in?"

"How the fuck would I know?"

"Maybe" Hook stepped in "we should look around. Get a feel of the place before we go all Blackbeard on her." Everyone except Emma and the Frozen Woman nodded.

"I don't get it"

"Had to be there, I guess" Hook mused.

They all split from each other and inspected the shop.

"It says here, on her phone, that her name is Ingrid" Regina shouted to the others.

"Haven't heard of her before"

"Lasses, I think I might have found something more... Magical." Hook shouted from the back. All the women went back to find Hook pointing to the power mains.

"None of these are on" he pointed at all he switches, which were all pointed at off.

"Maybe she forgot to turn them on today" Emma murmured, looking around the room for anything else.

"No" Regina spoke up "can't you feel it. It's absolutely freezing in this shop. Plus, I can practically sense the magic in this place. It's weird though because since shells frozen, her magic shouldn't be working. Unless..." With that, Regina walked back to the main room. She walked over to the woman and poked her shoulder.

"Fuck that shit is ice motherfucking cold" she shouted, recoiling.

Elsa walked up to her slowly and touched her. She marvelled at the woman and stared in awe. "She's like me" she whispered.

"Maybe you two are related. Wouldn't fucking surprise me. Everyone in this fucking town is related" Regina mused, patting Elsa on the arm.

"Maybe there is something about her in the book? I'll ask Henry" Emma texted a quick message to Henry and looked over to the woman.

"We should do something about her"

"Remember when my mother gave Hook that cuff that would render me magicless and he tricked me into wearing it?" They all nodded, Hook sporting a small grimace.

"Maybe, for now. We can put it on her and take it off when we've dealt with her."

"Sounds good" Emma nodded to Hook and Elsa. They nodded back.

"I'll get the cuff off of Blue."

"Well, while you do that, imma get my mint on. Hook? You want a flavour?" Emma walked out as Regina turned to Hook.

Hook looked back to her. "Bubblegum. Sounds fascinating" he mumbled to himself. She went over to the ice cream counter and scooped out the ice creams. One mint, 2 scoops. One Chocolate, 2 scoops. What turned out to be 5 bubblegum which totalled to 15 scoops.

"Christ Hook. Do you always eat so vigorously?"

"I'm a burly man, Regina. Burly men need energy" he stated matter-of-factly.

"Okay pirate. You keep on believing that" she walked over to the cash register and placed the appropriate amount of money on it and the three of them walked out, forming a bromance so epic that not even the hammer of Thor could destroy it. Nothing could destroy a friendship that had 3-way matching friendship bracelets. _Nothing_.

**Okay so this is a weird little chapter but the part about Snowing and Baby Neal is what me and a couple people are thinking now. Like, snow literally had a baby but we never see him or them with him anymore. #crazy no? This story is easier to write than my other OUAT one because this is more of a parody than an actual one but yolo amiright? And might I add that reviews make the world spin faster and my fingers type faster? Cause they do! If you have any questions/ concerns, review or PM me and you'll get an answer! Alright, I'm outtie. **


	3. Another Dumb Blonde

"Why have I been summoned today?" Regina grumbled, looking at the man on her left.

"Because" the man started "it's Saturday"

"I've literally tried to kill all the people in this room, Hook"

"I know that. I remember when it was me that you tried to kill." Regina rolled her eyes. Everyone in the room was laughing and the baby was gurgling.

"Do you think it's weird" she started "how they named Emma's baby brother after her dead bone-buddy?"

"Regina, I'd rather not talk about the conquests of my beloved." As Regina glanced at him, she saw Mary Margaret staring at her. Well, them. She was staring at the pirate too. Regina lifted her hand and wiggled her fingers in a 'bitch-whatchu-want' kind of way. Mary Margaret pursed her lips and looked back to the baby.

"Where's Elsa?" Regina whispered, staring longingly at Roland, who was messily eating a sundae from Grannies.

"I think she has a thing. Or else she wasn't invited. She's new" he responded, looking at his girlfriend.

"God, I'm starving."

"We are in a diner. You could just" he motioned over to the counter.

"Uh okay. Who's over by the counter, dear pirate?"

"That would be" he paused "oh"

"Yeah. Oh. I'm going to go to that fast food place down near 'Game of Thorns'. I think it's called 'Bae's Burgers'. You in?"

"I gotta check with the lady. I'll message you on the mobile device?"

"You could just say phone."

"Fine. I will phone you and see what the story is"

"I'll check with Elsa in the meantime. Later Pirate" she briskly turned and walked for the exit.

"Regina" a hand closed around her forearm. She jerked away from the Englishman and danced towards the door.

"Little busy right now. You can make an appointment if you want to talk to Madam Mayor" and with that, she left, leaving everyone silently watching the exchange.

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As she walked towards the restaurant, a sudden coldness pricked agains her arms. It was coming from behind Game of Thorns.

"Elsa? Are you in there?" She walked slowly around the building and felt the snow under her boots. A sudden swirl of snow erupted and a large snow monster appeared.

"LEAVE US ALONE!" It screamed, flinging quite a bit of snow at Regina.

"Elsa?" She shouted again.

"Go away Regina! I'm... Busy!" She heard a shout coming from the shed behind the dumpster.

Regina stared at the massive snow monster for a moment before flinging a fireball at it and trying to run past. She felt a cold weight around her midsection and barely had time to react before she was thrown into the cold hard cement of Moe's shop. She cried out in pain as the monster roared loudly. She heard something flying through the air and a hand came sweeping into her side, sending her across the ground into the road. Something warm trickled down her arm and her forehead. Her hand came up to feel her head and came away covered in blood. She heard pounding and saw the snow monster come into view. It made a fist and raised it. It roared loudly as the fist came crashing down quickly.

"STOP!" She heard a loud female scream and the snow monster dissipated into nothing.

"Regina! Oh my god I am so sorry. Regina? Can you hear me?"

"I'm sorry, I lied" Regina mumbled quietly.

"About what, Regina?"

"I told Emma you liked warm hugs." She quietly said with a weak chuckle before getting into a coughing fit.

"Oh god. Oh god where is the hospital. Oh shit. I'll look it up!"

Regina went limp before Elsa left her line of sight.

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Elsa stared at the bloody knocked out woman lying in the middle of the road.

"Oh shit. I'm so- oh god. I tried controlling it this time"

She heard a shrill sound coming from Regina's hand and saw her phone laying there.

"Hello?" She said, answering it.

"Regina?" She heard the distinctive English accent that Regina had told her about.

"Oh Robin. She's not available right now."

"What? Where is she? Why do you have her phone?"

'Oh crap' she thought.

"To be honest, Locksley, she doesn't want to speak to you"

"What are you talking about?"

"Rob, you have a wife. A child. You need to step back"

"Excuse me?"

"You need to think about your reanimated wife and the mother of your child." Elsa was desperately hoping the nobleman would hang the fuck up so that she could fully deal with Regina.

"Well I can't just forget what happened with Regina. It happened."

"Are you talking about the night you spent near the fire when you said you would walk through fire to be with Marian yet there she is and you're spending time with Regina."

"I love her."

"I know you love your wife. Go and be with her. Lose this number too while you're at it. We don't wanna hear from you"

"Who are you to talk like that to me?"

Fuck. "Well. I'm her.. Girlfriend"

"Girlfriend?"

Fuck fuck fuck "Yep her girlfriend. And relationships actually matter to me. As does spending it with one person. Lose this number" and with that, she hung up.

"Fuck"

She looked around and noticed a 'you are here' sign. She ran over and saw the hospital was about 3 streets over. She could do this. She ran back over to Regina and gently picked her up, bridal style. She made sure her grip was solid before jogging to the hospital.

The hospital came into view one hundred feet away and she picked up the pace. The doors slid open automatically and she marvelled at them for a single moment before screaming for help. A man in a white coat jogged out to help her.

"Is that.. Regina?" The man asked.

"Yes. Yes it is. You are?"

"Dr. Whale. I'm the main doctor on call today. What happened?"

" I don't remember. Can you help her?"

"Uh yes. Bring her over to that stretcher I will bring her up to the rest of my staff and we can start from there diagnosing her."

"Thank you. Thank you!"

"It's my job" he said, wheeling Nutty nougat away from her.

"Shit"

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Only a short one today. Update! So exciting. If you have any queries, hit me up yo.


	4. Love The Way You Lie

**_What is this? Two updates in one week?! The world is a crazy crazy place!_**

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As Elsa sat in the waiting room, she watched as a whole array of people passed her by. A short fellow holding an empty bottle of Alcohol loudly shouting that it was his friend Grumpy was the most exciting.

"Regina Mills company?"

Elsa shot out of her seat, mentally taking note of the fact that there was frost all over it. "Yes?"

"And you are?" The doctor, Whale, said.

"Oh, I'm Elsa."

"And what is your relationship to Ms. Mills. Some information cannot be given out to friends."

"Oh right yeah. I'm her" Don't you fucking dare say it I swear to- "Girlfriend" Fuck.

The doctor stared at her for a minute before sighing loudly. "Right. Well Ms. Mills has sustained quite a bit of injury. 3 ribs are broken, her arm shouldn't have been bending he way it was when you came in and she has a concussion. Apart from some cuts and bruises though, that's all she suffered"

"Oh my god thank you so much. Can I see her?"

"Yeah yeah. She's in room- you know what? I'll just take you there." He started off walking to the left so Elsa followed. There was a room to the very bottom of the corridor to the left and Elsa had no doubt that that's where Regina was. She could feel the magic.

"She's still 'sleeping' so if you have any problems, shout for a nurse, okay?"

"Yeah, thank you Dr. Whale. Thanks so much" He nodded his appreciation and left her. She stared at the door and slowly eased it open, there was an array of beeping and Regina was lying in a bed wearing some stitches and a cast.

"Oh fuck, Regina I'm so sorry" Regina didn't answer, she was still sleeping.

"I was just a little shake up about my sister. I told Lamar, my snow monster, to just watch the entrance. Fuck, I'm so sorry mate" Still nothing.

"Oh and uh, after you got knocked out, Robin called. I freaked out a little bit and told him to lose your number. He was really annoying about the whole thing. I may have lied a teeny bit to him about our friendship. I might have maybe accidentally told him I was your... Girlfriend..."

"You did what now" Elsa practically jumped out of her skin. She looked to Regina but she was still lying motionless in the bed.

"Regina?"

"I'm using my magic to get into your head because my body is comatose right now. What the fuck were you thinking?"

"I was thinking 'oh shit my BFF is kind of bleeding out in the street right now but let me take the time to totally explain to your ex boyf that you are currently bleeding out but that you think that you both need some time away from each other because of personal reasons but not to worry or cause a scene' because he would TOTALLY listen to me, right?"

"Elsa! I just- why would you- I can't even look at you right now.."

"Well, technically you're not looking at me"

"We'll be lucky if he only tells one person about this! He's such a fucking blabber mouth! Elsa, I'm really pissed at you right now"

"Oh about that-" "oh fuck what did you do now?"

"If you'd let me finish, Nutty, I may have also lied to Dr. Whale about our relationship status.."

"Well, now we are Doubly FUCKED!'

"What are you talking about?"

"Hm. Well, you told Blab #1 that I was your girlfriend while he was still probably surrounded by the entirety of this fucking TOWN. Then, you told blab #2 who was probably on his way to Blab #1's location. This is fucking great. Great! I'm doubly fucked. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuck!"

"We need to calm down, hon"

"Don't 'hon' me! We are not in hon basis right now!"

"According to 'the entirety of the town', we are on more than hon basis"

"Don't fucking remind me."

"Why're you so upset?"

"Henry is going to think I intentionally withheld his information from him, Snow is going to think I'm on my way to Boneville with Emma, Emma is going to think I'm- well Emma won't care. Hook is going to think we didn't tell him either! He's the third amigo! We can't do that to him! I need to call him. No, wait. I CANT!"

"Fine fine, I'll call him and get him to come down here. Alone"

"I'm going to try and figure out how the fuck I'm going to get back into my temperature controlled body"

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Elsa fished Regina's phone out from her pocket. She scrolled through her contacts until she got to Coconut Creme. She clicked it and waited.

"Ay?"

"Hook? It's Elsa"

"So now you two are using each others phones. Wow I'm offended."

"Hook I need your presence please."

"Why?"

"It's an emergency"

"Where even are you? Just get Regina"

"I'm at the hospital. No Hook it's a... Code Banoffee" there was a pause.

"I'm on my way"

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"This better be a code Banoffee, White chocolate."

"I swear, Coconut Creme, it is. But you need to swear upon the sanctity of the power of three bands to continue. You can't tell anyone what you are about to see or hear. Deal?"

Hook stared for a minute before slapping himself across the face. Elsa mirrored him. "Alright good, follow me."

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She paused in front of the door and pushed it open. "Shit before shovel, Hook"

"Rude as bitch" he muttered, walking past her. What he saw was a shock to his system.

"Nutty Nougat?" He whimpered.

"For some reason, I still can't get inside my body or Hook's head. It's all up to you to help me"

"She's just sleeping for now. Her body, anyway."

"What happened?"

"Long story. Regina and I aren't girlfriends, Hook. You'd be he first to know, if we were. That's just what I has to tell Robin so that I could get rid of him and Whale, so that I could get us in here right now."

"Phew. I was seriously insulted"

"So was-" "is, dear" "- is Regina"

"How do you know?"

"Well, she's using her magic to communicate with me right now."

"Oh. Okay"

"Did you tell anyone where you were going?"

"Nah, I told Emma that The Jolly Roger needed cleaning and that I had lost Smee again."

"Okay. What's the situation at the diner?"

"Uproar. Absolute chaos."

"Why?"

"Well. Emma turned Grumpy back into Grumpy and then everyone heard about the whole lesbian thing. Grumpy was insulted because you did.. Y'know. Then, Whale arrived and he was also kind of insulted but all in all didn't really care. He said something about you being somewhere but before he could finish his sentence, Robin burst of crying, shouting injustice. I was overwhelmed with annoyance to how he is Regina's soulmate. THEN, I got your call, I left but not before seeing Marian angrily sitting at Grannies while Robin rocked back and forth, muttering 'she loves me, she loves me not' over and over again."

"That man is so weird. Like chillax bruh. Don't cause a fucking tsunami if tears to cascade down onto Grannies all because of the fact that the only thing smaller than his ego is his event meeny tiny little-"

Regina loudly gasped from her body before Elsa could continue.

"Everything hurts" she wheezed.

"Nougat!" Hook cried tears of joy.

"It's not all a disaster." Elsa reasoned.

"This. This could be good. I've been thinking. While out of body. This could be good for us."

"Good, how?"

"Well, with Robin thinking that I'm no longer strictly dickely, he'll stay away from me. Giving me time to think would be crucial too because we still need to figure out what the fuck Ingrid wants"

"So you'll use me?"

"For personal benefit, yes. But also town benefit. It was also all your idea so.."

"I'm in"

"Great, Hook?"

"I won't say shit to anyone about this"

"Great. I need to heal my injuries now so Hook, you can leave now"

"Why does Elsa get to stay?!"

"Because" Regina said with a smirk "she's my girlfriend"

oO0Oo~~~~¥~~~~oO0Oo

"Feels good be be inside of me once more"

"Regina, I don't need to hear about what you do on lonely Saturday nights"

"Wha- EW ELSA!"

"It's not like your room is particularly soundproof"

"Ugh, fine. Listen, we need a battle plan. We already know pretty much everything about each other so now we just need to be able to prove our relationship"

"And avoid Grannies for a while"

"That too"

"Well, I already stay in your house. Judging by our proximity, people should believe"

Regina chuckled. "I do believe in lesbianism. I do, I do!"

They slowly walked along the streets of Storybrooke, slowly talking in hushed tones. Regina had left pretty soon after she'd healed herself. She'd deal with Henry when she came to him. Until then, he stayed a believer.

"This is going to be so weird, right?"

"Oh no doubt."

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_**That's how the cookie crumbles! Quick little chapter to warm the... Cockles of your hearts. Love the reviews! Any questions you have, you can pop them into a review or pm me!**_

_**Buh bye for now dearies!**_

_**Yo' boo**_


	5. Red

_I AM SO LATE! I apologize! FUNFACT: This chapter, called_** Red****_, is not after Taylor Swift's Red, but Daniel Merriweather's _Red_ because I like that song more and it fits a little more. You should totally listen to all the songs mentioned in the titles of these chapters! And I think this chapter is the longest so far _**

**_oO0Oo~~~~¥~~~~oO0Oo_**

"It couldn't be that different, right?" Elsa murmured quietly

"What do you mean?"

"They're not gonna be weird about it, are they?"

"Oh no they totally are. It's going to be like 'Lesbian Watch 2K15' all up in this place"

"So they're going to stare?"

"Mmhmm"

"Avoid?"

"They did that before but probably, yeah"

"Do you think Robin is going to confront you?"

Regina halted "What do you mean confront me?"

Elsa sighed and looked at the brunette "Well, it's not everyday you find out that the D that you've been supplying has been going to someone that's strictly not into the D"

"Elsa, that's ridiculous. He's not going to confront me"

"Bet on it, then. I bet you... Your bed."

"My bed?"

"Yeah. I have to sleep in the guest bedroom which isn't the most comfortable but then you get your bed. I bet you that if he comes up to you and talks to you about how it's not 'going to last' or how it's a 'phase' or a rebound relationship, I get your bed"

"And what if he doesn't? What do I get?"

"Name your price, Mills"

"If he doesn't, I get... Huh. I never put much thought into this question because I never thought I'd ever get anything from you. If he doesn't... You... OH I KNOW, YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH ALL THE COMPLAINTS MADE TO ME ABOUT STORYBROOKE FOR 5 MONTHS!"

"5 MONTHS?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?"

"Take it or leave it, frosty"

"One month"

"Three"

"Deal"

"I would have settled for one. Ha!"

"Well it doesn't matter, he is definitely going to confront you about it, Madame Mayor"

"We'll see"

"That we will"

_**oO0Oo~~~~¥~~~~oO0Oo**_

"I'm so fucking tired right now you have no idea"

"Regina, it is 4.25 pm, what time did you go to sleep at?" Emma's voice was laced with an unusual amount of perkiness 'Her and hook did more than just get coffee last night' Regina thought, smirking into the phone.

"Well, I just finished binge watching Orange is the New Black with Elsa. So many questions... Anyways, I just finished watching it when I had a thought. What if people don't believe my relationship with Elsa is real?"

"Uh, why do you care? I mean, if y'all like each other, fuck the haters. Right? Plus, why would people doubt you?"

"Let's see, my true Love, Daniel, was a dude. I then married King Leopold, a dude, and before Elsa, my recent soulmate was Robin who was, you guessed it, a dude"

"I see how that might create some problems. Do you have any ex-girlfriends in Storybrooke that can be a reference?"

"Well... There is one person.."

"Great! Who?"

"You won't like it"

"I don't have to. Who?"

"Neither will Hook"

"Regina who is it!?"

".. Maleficent"

Now, you might like to know, the silence Regina heard on Emma's side of phone can only be described in one word. Deafening.

"...Maleficent?"

"Yeah"

"Isn't she a pile of ash underneath Storybrooke?"

"Well, I didn't fuck her in that state, Christ."

"I'm not asking if you fucked a pile of dust, but it's good to know you didn't, I'm asking you how you plan on using her as reference since she is, y'know, a pile of fucking ash"

"Well I'm pretty sure Rumple has something to do the trick. I wonder if she's held up well"

"Regina!"

"What? Can piles of ash have boobs? She had great boobs. I wonder if they've kept their perkiness..."

"I'm going to hang up now..."

"Oh wait! Meet me at Grannies around six? We need to discuss something"

"I swear to god if it is Maleficents breasts.."

"It's not! I swear!"

With that, they parted ways, Regina dreaming about the rack of Maleficent and Emma daydreaming about the.. Ahem... 'Hook' of Killian. 'Nasty' Regina thought, shuddering.

_**oO0Oo~~~~¥~~~~oO0Oo**_

"Ruuuummpllleeeeee!?" Regina walked into Golds shop and looked for the imp.

"Oh fuck. Belle! Where is the key? Belle! Where's the- oomph! Agh, my god. Someone is here! Where are my.. That's yours... Here are your- yeah." She heard voices coming from the back room.

"Just a second!"

Regina walked around he counter to the back room and had she been holding a glass or a phone or anything remotely handheld, like a brick, it would have fallen from her grasp.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God"

There, Regina stumbled upon a scene that one does not usually see in their lifetime. Rumplestilskin was handcuffed to the couch with fluffy pink handcuffs anda gag around his neck wearing nothing but pink silk briefs. Belle, on the other hand, was dressed up in a French maid costume with a whip and a garter"

"Regina! It's not what it..." His sentence trailed off and he looked wide eyed at the brunette, who was still ogling his wife.

"Total milf" she whispered, snapping a picture with her phone for... Later.. Purposes...

"Uh.. Gold. Yes I uh, need to sleek to you for a minute"

"Oh I'll fetch us some tea. Regina? Tea?"

"Yes please"

As the brunette left, Regina whistled.

"Hate to see you go, love to watch you leave!"

Gold stared holes in her back. "What do you want?"

"I'd there a way to bring someone, let's say an ex, back to their original form, how would one do such a thing?"

"Is the person dead?"

"Not strictly speaking"

"What form are we talking about?" The handcuffs rattled as he moved into a more comfortable position.

"Uh, I don't know.. A metaphorical pile of ash maybe?"

"Ash? Like fire ash?"

"No.. More like the dragon-temporarily-slayed-and-placed-in-ash-form kind of ash"

"Oh my fucking god. You fucked Maleficent"

"Oh my fucking god. Not in ash form!"

"Oh my fucking god that's not a no"

"Oh my fucking god why do we keep saying oh my fucking god?"

"Oh my fucking god you're changing the subject!"

"Gold!"

"Sorry... When the fuck did that happen?"

"Around the time that the inextinguishable fire back in the enchanted forest went out."

"I'd high five you but my hands are a little.. Y'know"

"Oh no, totally understandable. I'd do that with Belle too. Bravo my friend

"Well, I didn't do too bad"

"Y'know your relationship with her is partly my doing, right?"

"No fucking way"

"Yes fucking way'

"Poof me out of these cuffs, this is a high five moment"

"Why don't you do it yourself?"

"Belle likes to be the dominant one in the bedroom. No magic during sexy time, rule number 3"

"Well shit" gold shrugged. Regina waved her hand and Gold appeared beside her.

"You are now so obligated to show me this list of rules, you know that right?"

"Yeah. Totally expectable. I'll show them to you when we're done. So in like, three hours."

"Three hours? Holy shit" they shared a brief and excitable high five as bell walked in with a tray.

"Oh mistress I've been a bad girl" Regina whispered. Gold smirked.

"Regina, this is yours" Belle said, handing Regina a small cup. "And this is yours, pookie-bear"

"Thanks Stopie-bear. As I was saying, is it Maleficent you're talking about?"

"Uh yes"

"Well I think the only way to get her back to her original form is to enact a spell that combines the blood of the people who wronged her most. I don't know, some mumbo jumbo like that."

"People who.. What? Who the fuck wronged her most?"

"Well who wronged you the most, dearie?"

"Well Snow but that was a very lo- no fucking way"

"Yep"

"She fucked Maleficent over too?"

"Not just her"

"Wait then who- THE BOTH OF THEM?"

"Yeah"

"Heroes man, you can't live with them you can't live without them"

"I know right? Hypocrites, the lot of them"

"Do I just get Snow and Charming's blood and then boom, we're in business?"

"Yeah pretty much. I'll help as much as I can"

"Cool cool. Didn't she used to hang out with Cruella and Ursula?"

"Yeah. They're in America somewhere"

"Well I don't want Maleficent to feel lonely. Do you know where?"

"I can give you a map?"

"Fucking yes. That's what i'm talking about. Give it to me along with the, uh, list. Okay? In like three hours, so-" Regina flicked her phone open "around seven sound good?"

"Yeah seven is good"

"Okay see you at grannies then." She swiftly walked out, but not before turning around and quietly saying "I'll let you two finish your canoodling. Belle, you have to let me borrow that sometime. Elsa would fucking LOVE it!"

"Oh sure. No problem, bye!"

"Bye!"

**_oO0Oo~~~~¥~~~~oO0Oo_**

Regina quietly walked along the main street of Storybrooke quietly chattering on her phone to Elsa

"No I'm not even kidding I swear! She even had a little feather in her hair!"

"Regina, there is no fucking way they are that kinky!"

"Elsa I have a fucking picture! I have proof! She even said she would let me borrow it sometime. I can't fucking wait"

"Well shit. We should do a calendar of all the important ladies of Storybrooke wearing these little skimpy outfits to raise money for the animal shelter!"

"Blondie, you may be onto something, but can we not include Granny? That's for Gepetto's eyes and Geoetto's eyes only"

"she would totally fucking do it, that's the- oh fuck"

"What?"

"Robin is walking right towards me"

"What do you mean? Where are you?"

"I'm outside the school waiting for Henry!"

"Elsa, I knew it was a bad idea to let you go alone! I had a feeling he'd do something..."

"He's almost here, I have to hang up soon!"

"Wait wait wait! Don't hang up, I wanna hear what he has to say. Is your FaceTime working?"

"Yeah. I don't think it works with flip phones though!?"

"Okay How far away is he?"

"Across the street"

"I'm going to call you on Henry's phone, answer with FaceTime"

"Why do you have Henry's phone?"

"He kept asking me what 'hot dogging the donut' meant"

"Oh good lord"

"I know right? Just answer it!" Regina quickly hung up and searched through her bag for Henry's phone. She felt it touch against her palm and she quickly grabbed it, unlocking it with a quick '3825' and running into the app.

"Pick up pick up pick up!" She practically shouted at the phone. She looked around and a few people looked away, trying not to get caught staring. She cursed and ran into the nearest shop, turning out to be 'Any Given Sundae'.

"Perfect" she whispered, smiling quickly at Ruby, who was manning the shop while Ingrid was under questioning.

"Hey Regina! What's up?" She asked.

"Robin is on the way to my girlfriend and I think he's going to throw shade"

"Oh fuck. I wish I could see that" Regina looked from the girl to the screen above the counter and beckoned the girl to the chair next to her. She then waved her hand and the tv flashed to life, displaying Henry's phone screen. It blinked to life and Elsa's face appeared.

"He's really close, do you think I should run? Oh. Hey Ruby"

"Hey! How do you know he's on his way to you?" Ruby pitched, shrugging. Elsa flipped the phone to the other camera and a slightly angry and annoyed Robin came into their vision.

"So uh, yeah. He is definitely on his way to you. Try make your way to 'Any Given Sundae' as fast as you can, Elsa!" Ruby bit her lip, 'this is the most exciting day of work that I have had all week' she thought.

"Oh Regina, I heard the good news! Well done, Elsa's fucking hot"

"I think so too"

"Such a shame. If I had known you were bi, I'd have jumped on that train in an instant" Regina turned to the brunette and quirked her eyebrow.

"Well you would have definitely been allowed access, Miss Lucas"

"Is that so?"

"Most definitely"

"Well in that case, I hope you and Elsa allow.. Visitors.. Into your threshold.."

"We'll think about it!" Elsa voiced appeared, startling the two women.

"Where are you now?"

"I'm super close but he is following me. This is some grade A horror film shit, guys!"

"I'll make it up to you later, boo"

"You fucking better. I can see the shop, I'm so fucking close!"

"Elsa! Elsa slow down! Hey!" Regina recognized that voice immediately. Robin.

"Elsa remember those earphones I got you yesterday? Put them in now so that he can't hear us. I'm sorry honey, you're not going to make it" Regina heard a resonating sigh and the camera flipped around to show Robin less than 5 ft from Elsa.

"Hey!"

"Oh hey Robin."

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you were running from me" she heard a forced laugh from Robin.

"And if I didn't know better, I'd say you were following me." It was Elsa's turn to force a laugh.

"Hey I just wanna talk, as friends! Maybe we can grab an ice cream and talk?"

"ELSA SAY NO! WE ARE IN THE ICE CREAM SHOP, I REPEAT, WE ARE IN THE ICE-CREAM SHOP!" She heard Elsa's little laugh stutter and she knew Elsa'd cave.

"She's going to say yes, I bet you"

"Uh, ice cream? Now? Uhh.. Sure?"

"Great! There's just a shop down there. 'Any given Sundae' I think"

"RUBY YOU GET THE DOOR, I'LL GET THE BLINDS. QUICK!" They both rushed to their respective jobs and Ruby flipped the sign on the door to 'Closed' and she quickly ducked in beside Regina as they heard talking outside.

"Awh, I think it's closed. Crap. Well the ice cream was just a cover. I need to speak with you. Now. I have a bone to pick with you." Regina heard Elsa gulp through the FaceTime.

"Shit" Ruby murmured.

"Shit is right, Ruby. Shit is right"

**_oO0Oo~~~~¥~~~~oO0Oo_**

**_A/N : How does everyone like it? I hope y'all have noticed that all the chapters are named in song titles that are relevant to what happens in the chapter! It's so hard to find coasters like that. Like always, if you have any queries or if you just want to talk, my pm is always open!_**


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